im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
