I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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