Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
