I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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