those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize