alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize