I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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