it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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