just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
