The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
