if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
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