I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
