At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
