I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
