I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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