when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
