M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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