my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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