Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
