I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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