So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
