Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
