I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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