Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
