Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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