oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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