my mouth tastes like poor choices
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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