I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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