Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
