i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
