i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize