he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
