I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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