you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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