I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
