im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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