i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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