wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
