I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
