you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
