so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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