you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
