U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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