a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
