census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
