Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
