You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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