hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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