If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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