I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
