On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
you never un-have a 4some
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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