The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize