So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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