these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Everyone says I win the strip club
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
