So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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