this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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