I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
